Challenge v Anger, Lets Rise to Creativity

So I am writing here on an observation of highly creative highly emotional energetic people like myself and looking back now realizing why I was in the principals office more than the class room for a many a years. Until recently I thought I must have been a bad kind because there was all this disapproval going on with all the adults. NOW through my observation of my young child self and my son Mitch, who is sooo much an expansion of me, realized that it is only when my son or myself is/was not creatively challenged that is when the frustration, trapped, anger, etc emotions come up for myself and him. I and people with these very creative intellectual minds are not bad they are extremely smart displaying their emotions of any given situation very outwardly. I remember having certain teachers that had a lot of creative extra activities (beyond school regurgitation) and those school years I did spend most of the time in their class and not in the principals office and felt satisfied. 

Now since Mitch, Bree, and Carter are in life learning school (unschooling) I am constantly inspired to provide challenging games, tools, anything I can think of and providing the things they ask for available to them around the house since this is part of the world learning environment they are apart of. I notice that when Mitchel feels unable to pass a level (for the moment)in his video game he stops playing and during that phase of space in between going back to the game or finding the next challenge he is restless and many times he outwardly displays hitting others and fierce anger towards me. These are only emotions that are not personally against anyone just his displaying of needing the next challenge and yet not knowing how to ask for it. 

I have learned sooo very much about myself through watching Mitchel (my true mirror). When I looked into his soul through the first connection when he was born I realized that he is a mature being he is creative and intelligent and not that all of my children are not he is just so to the front out there in life grabbing life and asking for knowledge and powerful in his being. 

He wears his emotions on his shoulders and can swing from the most loving person to the most almost unbearable to live with. Knowing that I see soooo very much of me in him I rise to the challenge to understand (even though I make retakes (mistakes) so many of the time) him and this inspires more awareness of myself and consciousness comes about naturally through this being. 

Since all of this new found awareness of myself and Mitchel I can see that perhaps peoples negative actions could be in large part do to the lack of creative challenge. How can young people sit in a class room and be asked to memorize this or that when it does not mean anything. There is no challenge no creativity in the process of public or private education? In this system there is no room for movement or questions or growth, when life is all of these and more. How is it that the US nation is so abundant and yet the "education system" is so poor. My opinion and observation is that it is the drop outs, home schoolers, unschoolers, the creative ones that created and still create this country. Especially the children born today and more so into the future they are an expansion us of this time and space more and more these beings will come in demanding more challenges and being more and more creative. I can feel in my soul that the systems of control and separation are on the brink of the fall and in there space with BE a more creative world of oneness with more light and love for all to grow to expand to move. 

I write these words for awareness for change for self conscious healing. Everything I see inside my soul I already know will BE for all thought IS! I know that we are all powerful god-essence beings capable of everything we put our minds to I just hope that those thoughts are for all good.

Practice BEING HAPPY no matter what

I feel so amazed and grateful for the friends I have manifested in my life. A great friend of mine read my last blog entry and then personally possed the thought to me that perhaps I could find a way to be happy without needing anything first. I am not sure why I feel so sad, why I am not sleeping and why I am also so angry at my loved ones, I have a great life and I can not really give myself a reason for my attitude lately. Then another friend within my wonderful group who is a massage theripist said she experienced negative stuff when she first started giving massage early in her career. Releasing her clients pain and taking it on herself. 

I am now asking myself:

Am I taking on others pains?

Can I be happy without anything?

I am not sure if I am taking on others pains? Just the awareness to be conscious of this gives me an avenue.

Yes I can BE Joyous without anything. A thought came to me recently as a was watching a group of unschooling children play, Do I practice BEING HAPPY, BEING JOYOUS, BEING in the place that I desire? I know that when I am "playing" or focused on being in joy that I am at peace and feeling joyous. Most importantly I treat myself and others well.

How do I love to play and what do I want to focus on in the NOW:

1. I love to feel the sun's heat and feel the suns rays hug my body.

2. I love to jump on the trampoline especially with my children hearing them laugh and giggle.

3. I feel so relaxed when I am croqueting.

4. I feel so cozy laying in bed reading to Mitch, Carter, and Bree (when she lets me). It is our moment to connect, communicate and enjoy the peace and calmness of the evening.

5. Dream of my road trips as if I am already there, dream of my Costa Rica home that I saw in a dream one evening 1 and 1/2 years ago, or the vision of the Green TV show I have visions of, when I am dreaming as if I am already there I feel so excited, even a since of knowing 

6. I look forward to my life now and everyday as now I think aging is so honorable (no longer the doom and gloom of the previous thoughts), my vision of living beyond a hundred years and realizing that I have so much time to do anything I would choose to do. 

7. I have this new found love and liking of myself and who I am. I love being my own friend, going to movies by myself, taking myself to eat and realizing that I am so amazing. (In the past I never liked to even look at myself in the mirror and thought I was a bad person and not worthy of the life I had within me.)

8. I love listening to my ipod and listen to music from Beethoven to Fergie or teaching of Abraham-hicks, Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald, etc. Hearing the words of spirituality from those inspiring people overwelms my soul with so much peace, like hearing words that I already knew (even said and thought some of them as a child) and just now hearing for the first time and knowing it is truth because for me I feel powerful and have a sense of pure knowing deep within my soul. 

9. I love to "dance as if no one is looking", I feel as free as a bird. (I would love to fly like a bird).

10. I love to paint and create art it is beautiful to me. 

11. I love seeking out more play and fun and that feels joyful and adventurous. 

WoW it is amazing that just the thought of those joy-play I feel the tickle in my stomach and an anticipation of doing and appreciation of my life and who I am and where I am. I know I am an expanding being and apart of the whole of the unvierse of GODESSENCE.

I think about the amazement of this world and the perfection of it all, life will always continue, happen, grow, be, how abuntant and connected. 

I wish all NAMASTE!!

"I honor the Spirit in you which is also in me." -- attributed to author Deepak Chopra
"I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace, When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."
"I salute the God within you."
"I recognize that we are all equal."
"The entire universe resides within you."
"The divine peace in me greets the divine peace in you."
"Your spirit and my spirit are ONE." -- attributed to Lilias Folan's shared teachings from her journeys to India.
"That which is of the Divine in me greets that which is of the Divine in you."
"The Divinity within me perceives and adores the Divinity within you."

What's Up?

New Family photos oh how fun!

Ok I know I have not blogged for a very long time. I will spare you from all the 1001 reasons why I have not been blogging. So here it is midnight on Dec 11 and I am blogging. . . 

Anyone that knows me knows I just can not be cold yet here I live in Las Vegas freezing and cold. I have even been feeling a bit sad and depressed I NEED the sun. Unlike those of you out there loving the "change of seasons" I love warm wonderful sun and sunny rain. So I am also into seasons, avocado, persimmon, mango, etc season. My diet changes with season from Banana's and Oranges to Melons of any kind by the change in season. Now without heaters and layers of clothing and houses (shelter) many on you would not enjoy the season of snow, sleet, COLD. 

For some years I have felt very sad come Dec, Jan and Feb I came to a conclusion today that I might have to be in the tropics very soon (at least in winter) or I could soon go insane from sadness. I LOVE being in joy and I am such a fun person when I am in that joy way. I was thinking that I just need to practice being in joy even if I fake it that way I will still be in practice when I find the sun and joy again.

Living in the moment and reading "Dance of the Dissident daughter"

So I have felt very restless for a many a months now and it is only getting worse. I love being a gypsy and love moving around (RV here I come) and I have now been in Vegas 3 years and lived in this house for almost 2 years straight I am so ready to leave, explore, run, jump, and live on sunshine. Yet in my moment I know I still have a lease until end of Jan and my daughter is having a baby in March and wants my help for a bit after the baby is born. Just between you and I, I am feeling trapped and caged I really would like to leave today this moment and fly out into the sky like a bird released from a cage. No in this moment I am laying in bed wanting to be thankful for being here in the bed in the same house for almost 2 years and in Vegas for 3 years and remain in Vegas until May (can you hear the gratefulness). I feel I have grown so much in the past 2 years and now I feel I am gaining momentum and all the stuff is slowing my momentum down and damn it I love momentum. 

I am enjoying me and I am ready to move forward.  After being a mommy and totally devoted to my children and losing myself in the mommy who is "Darlene" role I am on to a new chapter in my life book. I like and love myself and finally giving myself permission to be me I am ready to explore my wants and desires. Finally get on the road and see the world through my eyes. Sandal up family cause you are with Darlene no longer the mommy and wife and housekeeper--the wild, fun, crazy, adventurous, hippy gypsy, joy seeking person that I just found after a many a years and I am ready to ride the wave with you all as your best friend. 

I know that a many women out there love the mom title and love being mom. Don't get me wrong I loved having my children and will always love the birthing and nursing and all that comes with the baby scene and I feel like when the mom title comes in as the kids start to grow and all that parenting stuff happens so does the vision of fun and self. I feel like I turn into a control person and yet when someone calls me by my name I am removed from those notions of control and "parenting" and I get to be the inspiring friend and confidant and I love those thoughts. 

I think my children choose me and me them so to experience joy and contrast through their eyes and live their lives. Control is a world I unconsciously allow myself to fall into once in a while, consciously I believe the people that came through my body are strong beings capable of all they need to live their lives and be. WOW I feel so great when I write those words. Victimless world full of strong being guiding themselves towards what thoughts they think. All capable of creating a life of their choice. I feel so fabulous when I think and feel this way, I think it must be right because I feel so close to my source. 

Well for now I think I have said enough here's to the sun and when we all will allow all to be.

I will be singing a manifesting song of "Here comes the sun" and How grateful I am to be a pendulum that swings through the trees full of sadness one moment and happiness the next.

Darlene

My Decisions

To let you know I have not written in a long time and I have wanted to why? I was feeling "restless" in my life and NOW as the days pass I am talking charge of many of those "restless" issues and one by one they are solved!!

So here is an up date for those who would like to know and assist and myself to see for me. 

1. Road Trip/RV Living:

We will still be living in the RV that in not in my possession YET and not until the end of Feb instead of the beginning. We have a friend who gets vehicles at auctions and he will not be back from Australia until the middle to end of Feb. We will be saving about $10,000 or more and so we are patient. Meanwhile we will be living in Las Vegas where ???? Probably one of those week to week rentals or who knows what will fall into my universe or brain come close to Feb.. We will NOT be living in the rental house we are currently in. 

2. My son and his girl friend:

In the past I have struggled with this issue because I have never been in these waters. 

For those reading this let me update you:

In March we found out that our soon to be 16 year old and his soon to be 18 year old girlfriend were pregnant. 

In April we moved his girlfriend into our house to help them out. 

In May she had a miscarriage. 

In June they went and got a dog without the ok of the rest of the family.

From April to August neither my 16 year old son, Marc or his 18 girl friend, Salina had a job or was going to school. They spent their days playing games and coloring and watching TV.

I was practicing the art of allowing them to come to some motivation on their own to start providing for themselves. I was buying their food ($400 a month) and providing all that they needed (feminine Hygiene, including dog food). They were not picking up dog poop (that is without constant reminders)or helping out around the house.

I figured that they knew that we were going to start traveling in Feb 2008 and that they might want to start earning a living and preparing to move on with the world of adulthood since this is what they said they wanted.

I was wrong. Funny thing about formally telling your children what to do, eventually many of them expect you to. 

So at the beginning of September I sat down with them and layed out our family plans of going on the road and invited Marc to join us because he is my son and he is still 16 years old. And I informed them that if they were going to get their own place they would need employment and a deposit. 

By the end of Sept they had employment.

Beginning of Oct Salina and I got into an argument because I was having a kid party and there was poop all over the lawn from the dog and she was not going to pick it up because "she does not pick up dog poop". So I said then the dog can not live here and so she and the dog left. There was more to the story but that is the just of it. 

They moved in with Marc's dad for about 2 and 1/2 weeks (and it was very peaceful around our house).

Marc came back one day and cried about how unhappy he was and that things would be different if he could move back. So we of course welcomed him back along with Salina and dog (reluctantly I might add and we love Marc and want for him what he chooses). 

She was layed off from her job and so for the past month has not really looked much. 

I have also be taking Marc to and from work at 6:50am and picking him up at 3:30pm.

I have been very tired I like being a night owl and I like my body waking me up when I feel rested.

For whatever reason I feel a bit afraid to talk to Marc, he is very powerful young person and gets very upset outwardly and openly. I know this is my stuff and I had to face that it was not going to happen like this anymore and I know that he is an strong, able, capable person to take care of his needs since he does want to be an adult.

Last night I wrote a lease contract out that included dog poop fees if I had to pick it up (I was NOT going to remind any more, I felt like a nag). If the rent is not paid on time (what Salina, Marc and I had agreed to $300 for rent with $250 going to their deposit on an apartment since we are moving out in Feb and $50 to us) Salina and Bella had to move out. Basically I felt I had to tell them what to do (which by the way is so hard for me). I guess I reasoned it by the fact that they will be signing a lease soon that does lay it out there and they will have to follow those guide lines or else they will be out. I did also include what my responsibility would be. A give and take. And I could no longer drive him to work in the morning or pick him up (since his dad is offering or the bus runs very close to his job and our house).

I do and did feel very good over this contract and very good after I left their room (even though Salina was not happy about the fact that she will have to move out if the rent is not paid on time since they have had 45 days to pay it) and I did ask them that if they had anything to add or a problem with something then we could discuss it and solve it. 

Needless to say they signed the agreement and NOW at least it is in writing and everyone knows where their place is. We are the parents leasing the space to them paying all the $1400 in rent plus utilities of $400 a month and they are the family tenants leasing the space for $50 a month (I feel this is a great deal). 

I want to see all of my children as powerful being in total control of the creation of the reality. I love them and I love myself and I know that co-creating is just that CO. 

I feel that by the way I feel that I did the right thing for our family and what works for us. And if it does not we can just be flexible and change.

3. Holidays:

I love my and my children's birthday and those are the holiday's I love to celebrate.

I don't like it that people have created holidays and I am told I have to give. I love to Give I just feel that I love to give when I choose to give and with Christmas I feel that I am being told to give. So I have made a decision for me, I will only be participating in the love of holidays and unless I feel inspired to give or make something for someone I will NOT. I am inspiring my children to see that the joy of giving to others can happen 365 days a year.

I have explained to all of my family that giving will be done by choice and that each of us have that choice. I personally will be creating lots of fun and giving on their birth days because I am so happy they came into my life I know them and I love to celebrate them coming into this time space reality with me. And when I find something that they have asked for beyond their monthly spending money I may be inspired to get it for them (especially when the universe provides for a bargain price or extra prosperity has flowed our way). 

4. Voting:

In college I decided I would not ever vote because I was not impressed by the voting process in our free country. So until I felt like their was a president worth voting for or any politician for that matter I would not be voting. 

Now if Hilary (man without penis) Clinton gets voted I am going to live in Costa Rica or Mexico and I will do my best to not be a US citizen.

Now I will vote for Ron Paul if he is a candidate (even though I know how the whole electoral process works). Yes I will break my non voting record of almost 20 years and I will register and drive myself over to vote at a ballet. Anyone who really knows me knows that this is big for me. I truly believe that your biggest vote come from how you live your life. 

I live:

I do not own a mortgage, I do not work for another person nor will I ever, I Unschool my children, I do not pay taxes on anything beside non food items (I love to order online and then I even beat those), I do not eat meat, dairy or soy, I buy organic, I shop at 2nd hand stores, I will so have an electric car and I will be biking when my children are old enough for me to not have a car, I will be buying solar and wind for my RV and have so wanted that forever, If I ever have a house it will be mortgage free and off the grid totally, I will eventually barter my way through life and live off "sunshine, water and fresh fruits that the earth will provide for me and I will be so rich I will give away to other randomly and without judgement."

So this is my stuff.

5. My vision of my career and global awareness.

I believe in law of attraction and so I am confused why others like Al Gore want to put a movie out there full of fear factors. I love Green and believe in it because it is common sense. 

So I have an idea for a cable show possibly on HGTV. I could travel (with my children and partner) around the world to interview people using green solutions. I feel that most of the US population does not really understand solar, wind and other processes of green or how to get it or think that it is too expensive. I could interview alternative energy experts in an informative way to give the public more understanding in a positive way without the fear. The show would be fun and crazy cause I am and I could even add a non cooked veggie food recipe made by a friend of mine using little to no energy and organic. I think this would be perfect for me I love to travel, I love to talk, I love green alternatives, I love to inspire, I desire for my husband to be with us and to stop his line of work he does not like and my children love being with dad and mom. 

Any person out there that is reading this if you know of any producers or how to do this beyond my putting the thought out there, I would love your opinion. 

6. Family Past, Present, Future:

I am going to my mom's to spend some time (how much I am not sure) I will be leaving the family I have made with my goddess sisters and their families and entering a world I no longer know and I will be appreciating the contrast and knowing that I love the family I was born into and they know the being I was in the past. I appreciate the family I have created now and they know the being I have expanded into. In my opinion I am going to a place that they and I see the past because we are not around each other to have an image of the present because I live here and they live there. It seems rather crazy if I think about it like that. Oh well I have decided that this will be the last time for a while that I will be seeing them and I have changed my former negative perspective of the situation to see that there is beauty in the past and the present and even the anticipation of the road I am paving for the future. Because my being is still apart of the past I can choose to be involved in it once in awhile. Yet I feel less of the past of me becomes less important as the years pass, therefore I do not choose to visit the past too often. I love to be in the present and if I do not I have the power to change it. I am where I am and right now I am loving myself and feel myself expanding even through this blog!

Thanks for reading

Have a Joyous day!

36 years today, have I really been in this time, space, reality that many years?

Up until recently age has been an issue for me NOW since listening to Healthy at 100 by John Robbins, a book about people in other parts of the world living way past 100 and doing it without drugs, I have a great new perspective on myself and how I feel about aging. I now feel that with age truly does come wisdom and more vitality. In the Centenarian societies John speaks about, people lie of their age to be older and age is more of a fun event and people look forward to the years as they past. These people remain healthy physical and mentally young and vibrant because they continue with their lives in a light hearted fun way. From my perspective it is the attitude and mentality of the people that keeps them young way into their 140 plus years. I will always remain healthy and vibrant and I love keeping my young vibrant awareness. Honestly I still feel 18 my body feels strong and lean. 

Yesterday I was getting some stuff together for a yard sale and came across some pictures of me at 16 years I looked at them and thought "I think I look much better now". I know that what ever aging I do do will be a compliment to my beauty and even at 100 plus I will be out their exploring and living life enjoying the beautiful road I will continue to pave. I challenge any of you reading this now to define our societies expectations of aging as a bad thing and prove them wrong. It only takes that 1% to start the change of belief factors. Age is only years and there is beauty in all, just enjoy your path and make it what you want it to be.

Happy Birthday to me I celebrate this special holiday because I love me and I love who I am. I am young, sexy and oh so beautiful. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I intent to joyously ride the wave to the fullest. Over the next year I will be living my dream of travel and promoting health and wellness. I will be a "dee dee" (grandmother) in March 2008, I will remain and even improve on the healthiest and strongest I have ever been. Fun and Joy is the road I pave for the next year. 

I am Young! 

I am Beautiful!

I am Fun!

I am Goddess of my universe so hear me Sing loud and clear inspiring others to let go and just enjoy the ride down stream!

Thanks to all who make up my universe I love you all!

DHARMA

Where have all the flowers gone and Dharma too? With the watermelons and the sun.

So I went from posting daily to not posting at all what is up with me? Mostly we (our tribe) has one computer and Bree, Mitchel, and Carter are currently exploring the Internet a LOT. Club Penguin.com, Pokemon.com, Nick.com, Toon Town.com, etc. They switch each hour in a rotation and somehow I left myself out of the rotation and so I have been computer less due to these young mind playing on line, Oh My. WOW honestly I love to watch them call their friends who on their end are on the same game playing with them. Did I ever mention that one of my favorite things one of the best creations I think has manifested in the universe is the. . . Computer/Internet/Google! 

I personally think that any parent has such an advantage to assist themselves and the young minds around them through this magnificent creation a quote from Mitchel, "Just Google it mom". He is always asking me to get on the computer and lets find out about XYZ or ABC and we Google it and there it is seconds later. I have older children before Internet and between you and I, I felt less of a mother not being able to answer those curious questions of "what is the largest person a live?" or "what is the difference of this and that?" 

I replied with a lot of "I am not sure, would you like to look it up in that big row of encyclopedia's or go to the library miles away both taking lots of time and energy and by the time you find the answer they have moved on? Now you are just a Google sec away from all the info possible on each question which leads to more and more learning (I mean my learning) and happiest for all! I know it is a personal empowerment device that I feel like I can be smarter by the Google. "I feel Good and Google"

Now for some thoughts into my thinking. . . 

1. Income Taxes and the IRS (long story I dont want to mention)

I would love to see a change in the system taxation with representation!

Thats all the kindness I have to say to that.

2. Gypsy Hippy Goddess- Dharma

So my new name as of 2008 and beyond will be Dharma. After some thought and research I feel that this is the name I was whispering into my mothers ear before birth and she was not listening to me (nothing new). 

See my birth name is Darlene Kae Carter, now Darlene is also my (father's sister) aunts name and Kae is my other aunt's (mother's sister) name. Where is their originality for a child that was not suppose to be (some infertile part on my dad) that came forcefully through the universe to bring joy and pain into their lives. This name has troubled me for quite some time and yet I have not expressed it until now, I am Dharma hear my songs! Dharma feels fun and free. Dharma fits the side of my person that is radically creative and moving with joy. Dharma is the traveler with a hippy "love all" spirit and paving the roads with a creative easy going mind. Thank you for your support in this transition or maybe I am just crazy, no maybe and crazy is what crazy does go Dharma! 

3. Road Traveling

I know I am not on the road yet but I must say here that I am looking forward to it in every sense of the forwardness of it.

A. Moving or Gypsiness

I might as well include you in the history of the Gypsy Dharma formally known as Darlene. 

1. Moved into a new house with my parents at 1year.

2. Moved into my grandparents home at 14year.

3. Moved into many fun homes with fun drugs (past) too many to remember we can just call this move 3.

4. 1st husbands mom house

5. back to mom's house

6. 1st real apartment (17 years)

7. duplex (rent was only $200, although it was a questionable neighborhood but $200)

8. 2nd apartment

9. 3rd apartment (the worst, pink appliances and counter tops and gross brown carpet)(19yr)

10. first rental house kind of cute but very small 900 sq ft

11. Condo with 2nd husband (21 yrs)

12. Bought first house (the house I grew up in from 1 to 14yr) (22yr)

13. Moved to Vegas and bought 2nd house (25yrs)

14. Left husband #2 and bought my own condo (26yrs)

15. Moved out of condo with Blake, husband #3 into a rental house

16. Moved to St George, UT and bought a house with Blake

17. Moved into my mom's 2nd home (mom has only moved 5 times in her 57yrs) (30yrs)

18. Bought house is Clearfield, UT (so damn cold in the winter, had to move, what was I thinking)(31yrs)

19. Moved into a run down condo for $500 a month in St George, Ut (warm again) (32yrs)

20. Moved into our van for a few months in California (I guess you could call this a move, $6000 to move into just an apartment in Cali, can you believe that?)

21. Rental house back in Vegas (good and bad)

22. Bought another house in North Las Vegas (Great house, bad neighborhood, what was I thinking?)

23. Moved into rental house in the Lake's (still Vegas) (34yrs)

24. Into RV Feb 2008 YES! (36yrs perfect for the retirement of me living in a permanent structure.

Ok 23 moves in 34 years I belong in a home that travels with me. After all the idea of living in one house for the rest of my life and "settling" down feels nauseous, like putting me in a pine box under the ground. At the same time all the constant packing up and moving stuff is driving me crazy and at the same time I LOVE to move around and I enjoy all the new energies of new areas and new places. I want to stop over in each state or country of interest for about 6 months and then move on to the next. Why did I not think of this sooner? A house that moves with me, my stuff and my little people (children) perfect for this Gypsy women. 

Another advantage I thought of was how close I think we will get to one another, when we (Mitchel, Bree, Carter and I) went to TX and AZ last Feb 2007 we had the best time, so fun and such bonding relying on each for help, love, support. 

Con I have a husband that will not "live off sunshine" (living with limited means of income yet finding all you need). So we will be living in the 5th wheel with each other until we want to move around then I am not sure. 

I have a goal to go the the Life is Good conference and the Live and Learn conference. SO from Feb 2008-April 2008 we will be living in our 5th wheel in LV, NV then in May 2008 we will be travel around the US starting from Cali to OR to Vancouver, WA to Montana to WI to MI to NY to Maine to Eat Coastal line  to NC to FL to TX to NM to UT to NV to see my older children and grandchild. Then head south for winter and May 2009 head through the middle US states or where ever our hearts desire, MI, NY and beyond. If Blake will join us all the time I am not sure. I will think more of this and get back to you. 

This year so far has really been a healing year for me. I feel that as the next year approaches that it is going to be the best full of joy and fun year to date. My life feels dramatically changed- my older 2 children, Danyell and Marc, have moved on and out and have embraced their lives beyond mom, I feel myself calming and yet having fun and experiencing joy is the path I continually strive to pave. I watch Bree, Mitch, and Carter play, experience joy and learn things that I know they want to know not because anyone told them. Radical Unschooling along with Joyful Parenting is my daily refined commitment to them and myself. I choose to see our family equal and with that we can all support one another. I enjoy the great circle of goddess friends I have manifested (and continue to manifest) into my life. They are true friends and I thank them so dearly for their constant example and support. Blake is my friend and companion  who inspired the light within me that glows on today. I love myself and am so grateful for the crazy different person that I am and continue to be. I spoke with my amazing grandmom who told me that "my life would be boring if it were not for you, my little gypsy granddaughter" I see myself as amazing and continue to want to expand the greatness and wonder within my goddess soul. 

Live, Love and Smile

Plant it and it will Grow!

Dhama

 

Where have I been?

So I have been not blogging lately and not taking fun photos of our wonderful dayz. So what have I been doing???

*Crocheting- I want to make more and more and I might even want to sell some. I think this may be a not so cool thing to do anymore. I like the sense of self accomplishment I feel finishing my crocheting projects. Pic on the way soon, I promise.

*Zelda- Bree, Mitch, Carter, and I have been Zelda Twilight Princess playing. This is one game I can really get into or sucked into or funned into.  . . . In order to get the next process we simply look it up on cheats.com and there you have it the next step to the next step or process and on we go. Did I ever say how much I love the invention of the internet!!

*Being empty. I love being a mom and I love being an unschooling stay at home mom. I would love to be one of those moms that never needs a day away (afternoon) alone. Did I mention my husband is gone 90% of the time. I am pretty much a single mom and free spirit. These two sides of me clash at times and all I love to take care of myself with an afternoon with me, myself and I. I use to feel guilty for wanting time with me and up until Carter (my baby) was 4.5 years I rarely went to the store alone. I enjoy my children and the great thing is when I have taken care of me no one seems to fight and we are having fun most of the time. When I choose put off my time with me and run on empty I feel like I start to resent people (Blake and Kids) and yell A LOT. So the way I look at myself is I love feeling full of myself so I can share and do it lovingly and with lots of energy. No guilt here just love love love and knowledge cuz I know I can be a full time mom and spending time with me.

*Becoming debt free and working. Last month I gave up my last control in my family- the bills and check book. After 9.5 years together, Blake took over the bill paying and check book process his goal- debt free! I am currently choosing new patterns to think by when it comes to money. I want to spend and do today for NOW is what we have. At the same time I want to owe no one. I want to pay of things with cash only and so what to think???? Any suggestions will be considered. Anyways I thought that Blake would like to be in the driver seat of this bill/c book process since he is the one that brings in the dough. I love the way he just took over and I am seeing more of the empowered happy Blake since this whole process over a month ago. Now for the debt that I racked up I thought I would take a job for a friend working one 9 hour day a week for $50. I have done it 2 times and I so over it. Not that I dont love being with my friend I just feel that I am #1 worth more then $5.5 hour #2 have to constantly tell my children to leave me alone "I'm working" (I hate this part the most) #3 I am starting to feel sick about going to work because I promised myself 8 years ago when I quite my last job that I was worth more and the only work I would do would be for myself and after my children where raised. So I will just figure out other ways to help cut costs cause I dont think that a mom working is fair to my family. I love and want to support Blake in becoming debt free so I will find a way to do something I love, with my children in their happiness and all will be well.

*Looking at 5th Wheel Trailers and making plans. We will be living out of a trailer or RV in Feb 2008 yea a dream come true. I will up date as things go on.

*Started a 90 day work out system to get a total muscular body. OOOCH it is very painful right now but I feel those endorphins working!

That plus breathing, living in a nut shell!

Power For One and Power For ALL!

I know that being a parent has given me the most contrast of both Joy, Powerlessness and every emotion in between. As a young child I did not want to be a mother. During my contrasting teen years I thought of the idea of becoming a mother and a month later law of attraction came in the form of a positive pregnancy stick. I was not a young minded 16 year old girl I was a mature 16 year old who grew up faster than my mom and dad cared for. I had already spend over a year out on my own and had ideas that a baby would feel a void in me of loneliness. Being a parent was going to be easy because I would be a different parent than that of my parents. I would be the cool mother and my child/ren and I would be best friends. I am here to confess my parenting life has been a roller coaster ride and from one minute to the next I want to keep standing in line to go again and get off the minute it feels like I am going to fall-fail. 

It has been quite an adventure through the past 19 years and 5 children later. I feel such appreciation for all the ways I have grown and expanded through the assistance of these 5 people who choose me as their mother.  I did start off with all great intentions and yet somehow I took hold of those oars and started to show my 2 older children just how to be unhappy and row up stream hard and long with lots of force and control. As each child entered my life, the contrast expanded. Each of these beings came complete with their own unique personality and more and more I was being challenged to look at myself in the mediafor mirror. As they grew I could see and hear them saying things I did not like and I knew they had picked up those attitudes, words or behaviors from the example I was setting.

I began to feel guilty and tried to over compensate by being a permissive parent and do everything for them. I felt that I needed to save them from this damage I thought I had done to them. They became more resentful and seemed angry towards me. I started to resent myself, them and became depressed. Even my husband and I were arguing more and more because he could see what I refused to see. My children were not respecting me, they wanted to make their choices and be allowed their power. At the same time my husband and all my wonderful friends wanted me to allow myself to have wants, needs and time for me. 

How different ones perspective can be from another's. From where I am now I can look back on this growing process and see the broader perspective. When I continued to stay in a lower emotional place of guilt I could not give myself the permission to stand back and take a broader perspective of allowing. Allowing others to own their power, make their choices of contrast, good and not so good, feels so comforting to me now. I also get to allow myself to express my needs and fulfill my desires. Being a parent is perfect and by growing and learning from the contrast I have asked for I can adapt and change in the direction that is best for all including myself. 

By creating a co-parenting relationship with my husband, children and myself we can all get what we need and want. Currently I am practicing the art of allowing others to have the contrast that they ask for and at the same time grow towards living in a harmonious environment in which we all can live happily together. Now I feel confident kindly expressing my wants and needs or that of the whole family when I feel something is out of balance in our home. I even take myself on a date when I feel my cup is empty. When my self love cup is full I can give freely and lovingly to others.  

I have heard and read for years that your children don't listen as much as they watch. They mirror our examples of how we treat ourselves and others. Viewing others from a place of helpless or victims only creates a world of powerlessness. People are powerful, my children are powerful and I am powerful. 

Someone I love very much told me of the story of the BUTTERFLY . (please excuse the improv)

One beautiful summers day I came across a butterfly still inside its cocoon. As I took a closer look I could see that it was working to escape from its blanket it had been so snuggled within its change. As I sat there and watched I started to view the process as a struggle and so began to feel empathy for the butterfly. I thought that I should "help" the butterfly in someway to prevent this struggle I thought I could see. I felt this anxious pain inside to protect and care for it. I searched for the tools I needed to release the butterfly and began this delicate process. 

Slowly I cut the cocoon ever so delicately as not to mess with the helpless creature inside. At first I felt a since of pride as I watched as the butterfly emerged from its cocoon to stand and spread its wings. Then as I stood back I could see the butterfly was struggling more than before. It was having a hard time standing on its own or fluttering its wings in order to take off and fly.  After quite some time it was finally able to maneuver enough to fly but only for a moment until in crashed into the ground. Within moments a swift wind came and carried the now dead butterfly away. 

Please understand I did not realize that the butterfly did not view his "struggle" as a struggle at all but a fun challenge. The challenge that frees the butterfly strengths the butterfly and release the extra liquid and nutrients needed to fly from flower to flower, lay eggs and live out its life. The butterfly is strong and knows what it needs to go from a pupa to a caterpillar and on to a beautiful butterfly. 

There is an illusion of struggle and an illusion of joyous expansion and growth as a being. I choose to see the perfection it all!

8 Fact Things about Meme

http://heartschooling.blogspot.com/2007/09/8-things-about-meme.html
Oh, I've been tagged for a Meme by Tara at http://heartschooling.blogspot.com/2007/09/8-things-about-meme.html. Not that anyone does not know just about my whole life story already. I am an open book.

The Rules:

~ Post these rules before you give your facts
~ List 8 random facts about yourself
~ At the end of your post, choose (tag) 8 people and list their names, linking to them
~ Leave a comment on their blog, letting them know they've been tagged (Tara has tagged all our my blog buddies mostly already so here's my 8.


8 Fun Facts of Darlene-Dharmez

1. I have never like my name because it is other peoples name (Darlene, my aunts and Kae, my other aunt) I know a name is really not as big as I make it but I am original and so should my name be so for at least the piss-my-mom-off factor I am changing it to Dharmez (Source-center-within). I made up my name and so the FACT is Dharmez is original to match me.

2. I Love to be naked and even though I don't get to too often (it bothers my 16yr son and girl friend) I wear the least amount of clothes possible which includes no under ware (bras and undies) and bare feet or flip flops or sandals that allow my feet to breath.  FACT is I love to feel the air on my free body!

3. I am a Gypsy and love it. Even before I can tell you I know I was a traveling gypsy and want to live around the world seeing all this planet has to offer. I will be living in an RV/travel trailer as of Feb 1, 2008 and can hardly keep my excitement contained. These gypsy bare feet will get to finally start to travel and that's my FACT.

4. I believe that all women have it in them to birth their children by themselves, self EMPOWERMENT. I did I have email and spoken to a many women who have had their babies either with only their lover or by themselves and we all believe it was one of the best things we could ever do and what power you get to display. It is a FACT that I know that anything I put my mind to I can and will do, there's a will there's a way!

5. FACT I believe that the 3 best theories in life are Law of Attraction, Unschooling and Parent Effectiveness Training and the amazing thought is that all three of these work together to create my perfect life. I love my life more and more and love being a parent more and more since I have truly incorporated an Unschooling life style, PET trainings (not that I am always perfect about it) and taken a more conscious effort in deciding my Law of Attraction. I know that the time space reality that I live in is perfectly wonderful with lots of contrast.

6. I want to be a publish author and a reality show host with stories or people living Bliss and following their passion.  Hopefully an inspiring show to motivate others to follow Joy. FACT  Soon you can look for me on the number 1 book sellers list and cable TV (maybe a new channel "fun and feel good" channel!

7. FACT is I just picked up crocheting after only learning it at the age of 9 (I am now 35yrs) and at that time I had only crocheted a simple heating pad. I love to crochet and want to do it very often. I have made: 3 bags (out of recycled grocery bags), started on a third bag over the past 2 months, and just last week I made 2 ponchos. I think I am pretty good at it, I just bought enough yarn to make blankets for all my children for the holidays. I keep thinking why do I love to crochet? The only thing I can come up with is, I have to be doing something and I can talk or watch TV, take it anywhere and crochet and that feels me up.

8. The FACT that I believe that we are Eternal Being and when we croak (die) we just get to (if we want) come back and experience this time space reality again as a more expanded being gives me peace. I know that my only "job" is to experience BLISS and all the contrast I experience along the way is to help me decide what I want from what I don't want. 

I am tagging the following blogs: 

http://goddessearthmother.blogspot.com/

http://freespiritlife.blogspot.com/

Lots fun and enjoy you!

I'm a Drop Out and that Feels so Good!

I wrote earlier about my writers block and now at 5:30 am I can not stop my brain from thinking and here I am writing. The key is no sleep? Oh well here I am at this moment and all is perfect so I am writing away. . . . 

In my sleeplessness I fancied over to another unschooling mother blog (http://raisingrevolution.wordpress.com) and she gave me some more inspiration and insight about myself. Throughout most of my PS (public school) years I spent as much time as possible at home missing as many days as possible. I thought school to be boring, uninteresting and pointless. So by the time I reached 7 grade and went from one classroom to 7 I was pretty much done with school and only went for the social aspect of my hobby at the time BOYS. I did love all the before school and after school stuff like smoking cigarettes, marijuana, drinking, having really bad sex (I wish they would teach how to be a great sexual partner  in some school LOL) etc. It was definitely a great learning and social environment that I continued until the age the 16 when I realized that with the new freedom and combination of job, driver licence and car I no longer needed PS. So I became like many of the great thinkers of our time a PS drop out and with a newly found sense of self awareness and trust that I have come to Cherish. 

Now many of what I like to call the unstreamer's (people who live life paddling up stream against the current) may view not getting the complete disciplined education that PS has to offer is totally outrageously insane but I like to say that I broke free of the chains of PS and allowed myself to think beyond the cement box. 

So now I lay here in bed as the sun peeps over the mountains with a new fond memory of a very young me telling my mom I am going to be so great I will change the world! Such an amazing and insightful child who was not appreciated by those around me at the time. Oh well there's that contrast again and NOW I have friends that so do appreciate me and love me for all the creative thinking and views I bring into their world. I love me and I know I have already changed the world we all do just our presence changes the pattern and turn in space and expands the universe beyond our conscious comprehension. I have hopes and dreams that I continue to change and evolve with time and gain more of a complete knowing that everything I want is given. I did drop out of an environment that I never felt served or interested me. I allowed me to be true to myself and what I felt inside of me that knowing that no one can touch or out do. A source we all have within self and a source that will guide us always. Listen within a you can always stay true to yourself and follow yours feel good feelings. If it feels good then it is right for you. 

What to do about the disciplined child? Its all good!

It is 4:36am in the morning and I have been woken up by teen children-doing something I am not so happy with (slamming doors, arguing loudly, getting phone calls, drugs and or drinking). I am not sure how to undo the doing of the controlling environment that Marc and Salina have been raised with and I am not sure it can be undone except to allow time to take its course. So I said to Marc that we needed to have a talk tomorrow. He said about what? I said "this is a family house and not a 3am party house." He reacted to the comment and stormed out of the house demanding I give him his child support and called me a "fucking bitch" and that he was going to "fuck up our cars". What in the hell did I ever do to deserve a treatment like that. I just called Blake which I never know is the right thing to do because he does not really believe the unschooling life style. 

Clearly he is NOT happy clearly he does not value himself or else how could you say those words to a mother that has been a good mother, maybe not great but good. I am not taking this personal just wanting to understand why he does not want to see the love within himself?  I know that Blake is going to talk to him and Blake is the only person Marc is half way listening to. I am surprised that Blake does not see the damage that discipline has done for Marc. Now I am not extending any excuses for the behavior that I clearly have a problem with because I am losing sleep from the constant noise and for that I may feel like an angry bear tomorrow. 

I want to love Marc and he just will not let me in. Basically I feel like he wants nothing to do with me. I believe love must start with the self and so I will just be here when he decides he wants his mothers love. I look back on the behavior of Danyell's 14 to 18 years and yes similar problems similar feelings of sadness seeing her still self hurting and destructiveness. I have to consciously remind myself to not feel so responsible for Danyell and Marc's emotional well being. I could blame a whole gamut of things, divorce, control, some public schooling, my past self destructive behavior, etc and it all comes down to I do not see them as victims. Victimization only dis-empowers a person and I know the contrast I have been immersed in, in the past and over time I continue to evolved and realized my self love and importance as the amazing being that I am and so will they. Danyell and Marc are strong and they are just unconsciously asking the universe for a lot of contrast in order to know what they want and don't want. 

Ultimately how I see the universe:

I see my children as the strong healthy happy beings of source they are and know that all is well. This is an everlasting, evolving universe that I so blissfully came into knowing that there would be contrast and so contrast I have. I know what it feels like to love and what it feels like to be in revenge and I know what feeling feels better (the love, of course). From a broader ever lasting perspective I can see the perfection in all moments in my life, knowing from a place within my centre being, that all is well and will continue to be well even when wellness looks like revenge at the very least it is a step up from powerlessness. I love this time, space, reality and I plan on coming back more expanded and do it all over again and again knowing that my soul purpose is to be in Bliss and getting there may look like frustration or anger and I know Bliss is my means to a never ending story. 

Perception is Everything

Yesterday Blake and I were having this loud discussion about what discipline does or does not do for a person (mainly regarding our 16year old son Marc-current discussion conversation of the past 2 years). This is a repeated line of his "I don't think that a little discipline hurts a kid once in a while!" So without ripping off his head (what I usually envision in times such as these) I decided to look at this discussion from another perspective and walk around it a bit and pick it apart. I started by looking up the word discipline and thank goddess to dictionary.com I was given 12 definitions of the word discipline:

1. training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.
2. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.
3. punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.
4. the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.: the harsh discipline of poverty.
5. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.
6. a set or system of rules and regulations.
7. Ecclesiastical. the system of government regulating the practice of a church as distinguished from its doctrine.
8. an instrument of punishment, esp. a whip or scourge, used in the practice of self-mortification or as an instrument of chastisement in certain religious communities.
9. a branch of instruction or learning: the disciplines of history and economics.
–verb (used with object)
10. to train by instruction and exercise; drill.
11. to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.
12. to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.

How do you feel after reading those enlightening LOL definitions of discipline?? I feel sick to my stomach and question how can any of that be good for anyone or anything?? I just started thinking of the irony or rather craziness of the discussion of that whole discipline subject. I am thinking to myself why would any parent want their child to be obedient, controlled, trained, whipped, or punishment? Oh I know why so that one can force someone to be the way they want them to be so to not inter-fear with their world. OK so I can see that to a point however what happens when one wants their child to start thinking for him/herself you know grow up, move out move on? Get a JOB (just over broke) or military style? 

Most of the money and bliss in the world comes from individuals who start their own business, think for them selves, be who they choose to be. Many are drop outs or those who got in trouble and never fit in the system. 

As long as a child continues the obedience life is fab right??? Now lets look back and ask oneself if control, drills, punishment, trained, whipped, grounded etc is what they liked when they were young or would they like it now in their adult life? Maybe some may say yes, my husband says he was not hurt by the things he went through as a youngster, is he and maybe many like him are just brain washed into thinking that a whippin' once in a while never hurts anyone. I personally think those people are in denial. 

I have a different point of perception and I did think that the belittling, spanking, punishment, and grounding that I received at home not to mention the fear based training in public school I received was harmful to my being and spirit. There are even moments when I fall back and become controlling to one of my children and I always let them know that I am still reprogramming my ways of parenting since my example was not something I would choose for them. We work it out and I take a step into conscious parenting even more. 

With Blake and I not in alignment with our parenting perceptions I feel like part of me wants to laugh because I think that discipline parenting programing is ridiculous and the other part of me feels empathy for his belief in that disciplining through force and all the other stuff that comes that way is OK. Oh well at least I can stay out of his fear and remain in alignment with my desires of a positive relationship with my children. 

I know that what my children behave in ways that at times does not always look great from my point of view I just take those moments to remember that I am not in their head, from their prospective and start to look around the issue as if it were a picture and Live, Laugh and Love by allowing us all to live in peace.  

Book writing questions and thoughts????

I have been working on my first non-fiction book over the past 4 days. My idea is that I could have a ruff draft by Sept 30, 2007 and I am still shooting for that date. I currently face myself with the question of what the books subject is. I believe that I am a fruit-looping, interesting, adventurous person that has done so much in her 35 years of life that I have so much to inspire and share with the world. I have lived a very different life from the main upstream lifers and I want to tell an amazing story filled with inspiring information to contribute to the mass. So my idea's are: #1 Self-taking time for self gaining self, not losing self,self etc, #2 Attachment Parenting or "flow down stream" parenting-unassisted birthing, child lead weaning, co-sleeping, unschooling, etc., #3 goddess-women stuff (which would probably tie in with self and all that has to offer, #4 using inspiring quotes to be the subject and going from there. Does any of this make any sense or is most of it just a picture in my head and I need to gain some more skills to get it onto paper (computer)???

So far my ideas of titles "21st Century Hip-me or hippy or hippee or flower child" "Down Stream Parenting" "Life to Live With" "Everything has Perfect Perception" "Life, Liberty and Blissfulness=Pursuing your dreams" oooh what the heck I have a whole book series in my head one minute only for it to exit when I sit down to write. I need to get it out onto paper. Have any advise?? My friend Victoria (who has written 6 books) told me to ask questions and then answer them and the answers turn into a chapter. Ok ask and it is given, right?? 

Should this not just flow out of me if it is something I really want to do? Maybe it is just the first book that's the most challenging.?. 

Unconditionality VS Desires

Below is some information I found so powerful. I love it when we can empower ourselves and live to our highest potential and power.

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Unconditionality vs. Desires ::

Q: How do you reconcile "unconditionality" with
having preferences and desires? If you're totally
unconditional, shouldn't everything be fine the
way it is?

A: Unconditionality doesn't mean having no
preferences or desires; it means that you don't let
the temporary absence of your preferred conditions
prevent you from enjoying the present moment...

"When conditions are to my liking, I feel
great! (Obviously.) And when conditions are
not to my liking, I enjoy anticipating the
unfolding of my preferred conditions."

The idea that you can't enjoy this moment because
of unwanted conditions is a LIE perpetuated by our
conditional culture -- a lie that serves no purpose
other than to keep people feeling powerless!

Unconditionality says, "Enjoying the here and now
is my top priority, so I'm not going to use these
conditions as an excuse to separate from my natural
state of Well-Being."

So when your child "misbehaves," or your partner is
unsupportive, or you're sleep-deprived, etc., use
those unwanted conditions to help you clarify what
you *do* want. Then practice unconditionality by
accepting the present conditions AND joyfully
anticipating the fulfillment of your desires.

Life Lessons and Dreams

San Diego, Ca Pier off Shelter Island

Over the past week or so I have not been on to blog, one of my favorite past times, other things happening. So I am back and here is an up date of all I have been up to:

Last week end I spent my time at a "dream seminar" called Life Mastery. Crazy if you think of it, I was told in my public education years to "stop dreaming" only to spend money to be able to start dreaming or at least to act on them. Well it was fabulous! I love to dream, I am a dreamer I just have not been acting on my dreams. You know mothering with all of me for the past 19 years. I think because we are trained as action beings, by society, we think that writing dreams down is a must. I don't think it is necessary but I did have fun doing it and creating more vivid dreams in the writing process. My impression is that when I write down my dreams I allow myself to let go of any worry or of thinking of them all the time. One of my favorite dreams is to be a writer, public speaker, reality show host, which is all apart of each other. Now I have a plan of action of when and a how I can accomplish those goals. So soon to be in a book store near you.

A second dream I have is to travel around the US (and Europe) in an RV or trailer/truck. I want to see the world around me from a different view point. So another thing I have been doing is spending hours reading about others that are unschooling RVers and looking for the perfect RV to fit our family. Lots and lots of time on looking. Blake is not sold on the idea 100% so I have to collect the information for the both of us to make a conscious decision. 

Writing, Dreaming, RV looking, Dreaming and very little sleep in between. I am so glad I unschool or else how would I ever find the time for my dreams while the kids are creating theirs. Well what a life I have I love creating and allowing. 

My First Road Trip all by myself: Part I the departure

Over 19 1/2 years ago my first child entered my body and I became a mother for life adding 4 more along the way. Although my motherly journey still continues I am taking a weekend for myself. I have an opprotunity to spend some time creating a new relationship or prospective about money. I just recently turned over our finances to Blake and for the first time in 22 years I let go (feels like a breath of fresh air) of knowing what money comes in and out and the bill paying (except my 3 bills I pay with child support) in not my responsibility. I have a budget and our goal is to become debt free and stay debt free I am on board but not in the drivers seat for the first time. 

So tomorrow I will leave bright and early and venture out to San Diego, CA for a weekend build from my law of attraction. I know all will be well when I am gone and so I can enJoy myself and get to know myself more without the help of my fabulous partners (children, Blake and friends) and without my wonderful world I have created. I get to take on new feeling of flying free to expand my wings even more. I have no expectations or hopes of nothing more than a chance to simply spend my time peacefully enJoying me. 

So for now I am complete and I will resume on Monday with an update of my weekend date with myself. 

Going up the Emotional Scale Through Growth and Perspective

Yesterday was so fun and as the night came in, 6pm to be exact, I had one of those mommy moments that I am not proud of. I am working myself out of feeling guilt I know this is a feeling I so have felt much in the past and it does nothing to serve me or anyone else. So up the latter into sadness. I feel sad because behaving in rage is a feeling I least like and how can I avoid going there again? I know Mitchel is 7 and yet when he is relentlessly unhappy and displaying it how can I stand back away from my emotions and not get involved? How can I help the needs of one while providing for the needs of myself and 2 other children? Up the scale some more into frustration. I look back on myself and know that just leaving would have upset Bree and Carter but Mitch and I could worked things out more peacefully. Up some more into hopefulness. I know that I am human and not all the time do I handle things the way I believe I should. I get wrapped up into the whole self-centered emotion and I know I am learning and growing from it. I did do things I choose not even to apologize for or to write about (I choose not to repeat them again) because then I finally stopped stood back and remembered LOVE. When I returned home I remember being 7 and the only way I had learned how to express my feeling of not getting what I wanted or needed was to get my mom upset anyway I could until I got what I wanted (really did not work for me). I am determined to be a different parent so what do I do NOW? I picked up Mitchel hugged him told him that I will work on my behavior and that I do things that I am not proud of. Then I said all the right things. I think I am into knowledge and happiness Now. He has been frustrated about not getting the video game he wanted since he got the video game last week. He is also frustrated by the current or previous game he has because he feels stuck and does not know what to do. 

So because I want my son to be happy and that will contribute to our families wholeness I can help fix his frustration. I know he will learn that things do not make you happy but if your passion is gaming (or at least for now) then it is easy for me to see that what was frustrating him was real to him.

I can feel my tears of joy well up in me, as I give to my children I get, as a stop and quite myself I get to see the solution right in front of my eyes, when I parent from my heart I know that my gift of being a real loving person shines through and I feel so at peace. I am so grateful that I have my children especially the ones that push me to look within myself and become the person I am inside to shine on the outside. 

I am grateful to my friends who I know understand and forgive me for I am a work in progress. I am grateful to my husband that said to me last night "you know what to do for Mitchel you are so like him." I am grateful to Carter for saying "your the best mom, when your not being mean." I am grateful to Bree for saying after all the dust settled "mom I am just going to choose to be happy, do you want to watch a movie with me?" I am grateful to myself for I know I am growing and expanding as long as I focus on the now and the unconditional love I have for myself and those around me I can only do well. 

Oh how painful moments can bring about such growth and understanding. 

Rampage: Well Being vs Reading

Ok so I am an emotionally driven person. So I would like the world to take a chill and let up on children about READING. Yes, I agree that to an extent, it is important yet words are all around and when they are ready they will read, damn it!!

A meal for reading, donuts for reading, stickers and tokens for reading, shirts and prizes for reading. What is so damn important about reading that our society deems it as the single most important skill a child would NEED to possess. No wonder we have so many unhappy adults in the world that yes know how to read. What ever happened to plain jane always wonderful always feel good just being well and HAPPY!?!

In the past 12 years I have read the most amount of books I have ever read and enJOYed them. I read them for knowledge and just recently I read for fun. But during my younger years books were NOT for me. I felt pressure to read what they (teachers) told me to read instead of allow me to read what I may find interesting. Maybe I did not read cause I was not ready or care to. Maybe I was an artist and painting or photography was my thing. Maybe numbers were my thing and reading did not feel as important. Maybe I just wanted to sit and meditate for 10-20 years and reading was not needed.

I believe that with words in all things and with my enJOYment of laying in bed snuggling next to two little men (and the siblings that proceeded them) with books, a smile and happiness of well being that they (Mitch and Carter) will learn to read naturally how ever that looks or feels to them individually. I trust in their process as I do in myself. Even if all they keep from their experience with mom nightly is their personal sense of Well Being and Happiness I will sleep peacefully at night no worries. 

Moms, dads society take a Big chill pill and trust in these little beings they know more and are here for contrast and pure positive self enJoyment and well being. Focus on your well being and sense of self and love and allow the children that choose to come into this world space and trust. They know what they came here for and know what is best for their journey. Reading is but a simple small skill in the whole picture and life means more in thoughts, actions and space then reading could tell!

Appreciation of Kid Questions and the Internet, more Expansion

Mitchel keeps asking me questions lately: "how tall was the tallest man in the world?" "How hot is lava?" "what does this or that mean?" I usually answer with lets look it up on the internet. We look it up and then we even get pictures and locations which leads to a whole new world and more questions. Carter asks questions like "how do you make an avocado?" "I want to make baby tomatoes." I am not sure if the internet could do this for us but I am sure it could show us the process of tomato growth step by step. I remember before internet, Danyell and Marc would ask a question and I would have to answer "I am not sure maybe the Guineiss Book of World Records would know." or "maybe we could find it out in a book."

I am so happy for expansion and progress in our universe and I am so grateful for their questions. Just think how truly great those two are together ask and the answer appears in moments. . . Perfection!

My Life in Slow Mode and Gaining More Lessons from my kids

I have been been very relaxed and moving in very slow mode the past few days "catch up time":

Friday Night Bree and I rented High School Musical 1, she wanted me to see the first before the 2nd one started at 8pm. So we invited friends (they refused to see that "crap") and so we choose to spend the night just her and I doing High School Marathon alone. Now at first I did NOT want to see or hear any thing remotely musical (lovey dovey etc) but as Bree's mother I wanted Bree to have fun. I made her veggie dip, bought her special potato chip and opened up chocolate covered pretzels. We started at 6 pm and continued up til 10 pm. Now please keep this under wraps but I did enjoy the movies. Yes, I was very entertained and the company was in was perfect. Mitchel even watched even though he said he did not want to watch. Carter played video games and we watched HS Musicals. The night was perfect!

Saturday I spent the morning at Ceilja's home (Parenting expert) talking about raw foods and then we made a beautiful salad together and had a wonderful lunch and conversation for many hours. I love my fav food and conversation and FRIENDS. 

Sunday: We enjoyed a very family day. Mitchel bought himself a new Pokemon game that he does not like and so he decided to sell it on Craigslist.com. He decided to set the price and then told be that if it did not sell today (Sunday) then he would reduce the price for 3 days but that he was not going any lower than 16 dollars. What a hard bargainer! Later that night around 10:30 pm Mitch, Carter, Bree and I got into the hot tub for a great conversation=

Now I do not understand why my ex (Bree's dad) keeps up with his lack of trust about Bree's learning. I home schooled our kids when he and I were married but since we divorced it all the sudden is not a good idea any more. So he is on Bree all the time (he and I have been into fights lots of times over it) to get her to go to school and read more and brib her to read, offering money for a read book. This time my ex went to Blake (current husband) and wanted to know how to approach me about sending Bree to Montessori school that his Aunt and Uncle would pay for. Of course I said "No" but I felt like it was up to Bree to be the real decision maker since it would be her going to school. So in the hot tub I asked her if she knew about the school thing and she said "why is he always trying to get me to go to school. I have decided that he is just not going to listen to me no matter what. I have cried to him many times and told him that he makes me feel dumb. If I dont go to school then I wont be smart. I tell him I am learning everything I need to know in the world from real life!" Mitchel said "Bree, old people just dont understand us kids. My dad wants me to read too and I just ignore him I'll read when I want and now I just love to play video games, watch TV, eat, swim, and jump on the trap" He thought for a moment and then added "Mom you are one of the old people that understands us kids but most of you old people dont."

Carter just said "yea!"

I sat their in silence (I know what your thinking, hard to believe D was quite) and realized again how strong my kids are and that they know and believe in themselves. I was amazement and felt great that they could say these things in front of me and knew that YES I do get kids because even though Mitch sees me in an "old" person I feel very young and I am still learning and I know I am smart too!

Monday: I woke up from a funny/great dream at 6:30am, believe it or not, and then went on a bike ride with B. My silence did not last long enough because I did not think it would be not ok to tell B about the hot tub conversation. He was very made at me??? Oh well so I just allowed him to hang with  the kids and I left for the day.  Really did I say it, No and if he does not like how the kids see him then he needs to look at himself and leave me out.

Off the subject many moments in the day I would love to be free of a husband and then there is fewer moments I want him still. I better ask for more wonderful moments and work on my beliefs. More mirrors right?????

Now as I say Good Night Mitch and Carter are play some hero role play and wanting to beat the Midnight hour of staying up. How sucky for me and them would it be if they started school tomorrow instead of already learning, growing, expanding, and gaining wonderful memories everyday even at Midnight.

Happy Not-Back-to-Prison(oh sorry) School-day!

I am FREEEEEE and so are all the people I live with what a fabulous life I have!!!!

Being a Mother is Worth all the stuff. . .

As Mitchel and I laid next to one another and enjoyed some Tv time then out of the blue sky he said:

M: Did you see the kid that I was playing with as the last part of the Life Learner's, the big black kid with his shirt off?
D: Yes
M: He asked me how old I was and I told him I was 7, he said that I must be going into 2nd grade. I told him that I not in any grade and I am homeschooled. He asked how does that work. I told he I get to do whatever I want, even watch Tv all day if I want. "I have the best life a kid could have!"

I want to cry tears of joy just writing this. Do other mothers with their children in school ever get to hear those words?? I wonder? 

Then every night I get a huge hug and kiss with "You are the best mom in the world no one could ever replace you!"

My life is perfect!

Rainbows, Heat and Hearts of Joy

Another Perfect day under the hot sun Bree and I love taking photos and videos after all a picture is worth 1000 words and we take a book full of memories:

Life Experiences, yea I'm Still Learning?

Give and Then I Get

My Mirrors

I keep wanting to remind myself that my husband is the best mirror I have. For too long to say Blake and I have been at odds with the whole unschooling/life learning issue and this has caused us both a lot of avoidable pain. Last night (very late) Blake and I worked ourselves into another argument of blame and why's. I want XYZ kind of life and he thinks what we had was fine with ABC and so it goes on. This morning when I awoke I felt so sad and I was thinking that what he says hurts me so that I just want out of this marriage (in 13 years) and that I am the victim here. 

So I called my soul mother (friend) Dixie and hoped that she would help me see what I could not. The woman is a miracle in my life. She did exactly what I needed and wanted, she put it back on ME. Yes that is right she said "Are you giving what your asking for?" In other words I want trust from Blake to know that I know what works with the kids and I but I know I am not trusting him to find his thoughts and path, to discover what works and does not work when it comes to the kids. WOW a hard pill to swallow sometimes. 

Another thing she pointed out (isn't she sooo helpful) was that when I am strong enough in my choices and the belief and love in myself that no longer will Blake need to show me things I am not comfortable with or hurt by. That no matter what another person says to you, you can choose to take it to heart or just see the true pain the person is in and that causes them to be defensive. Blame feels better than powerlessness or argue. Seeing that little child within all of us and not take hurtful words to heart and just forgive is important to help us grow as a beings. 

I realize that I build up huge walls of protection from others and this is rowing upstream against the current and does not feel good to me or the person (especially Blake)I am pushing away. I want to manifest good feelings and love unconditionally. I want to grow forwards into a border expanded being and show up for others and give even when pain is involved. 

I know I am a giving being and from now on I choose to give all the time especially when the picture seems a bit ugly. I choose share my life Blake and to allow our friendship to happen again. We choose to give 2 children a chance to be apart of us and our experiences. We all deserve to feel understood and loved especially when pain is in the way. 

I feel so satisfied and full filled knowing that I get to consciously choose the way my life becomes by my thoughts and feelings. Dixie could have given Blake all the power by allowing me to stay a victim and lead the conversation through my pain. Instead we all win because she made clear suggestions and led the conversation towards allowing me to empower myself. I get to take responsibility of my perception and allow the well being to flow with my part in my relationship with Blake. I so inspire anyone who really wants to help a friend or self to keep the focus on loving our self, giving love and allow others to be what they choose. 

We all do things we are not always proud of and so do others, "forgiveness is meaning to never have to say "I'm Sorry"."

I called Blake and thanked him for showing me a part of myself I could not see without him. I grew a little spiritually (consciously) more today and gained more of an understanding of allowing. Everyday I feel that I am letting go more and more of the oars and allowing the flow of love to push my boat down stream while I go forward and the current slowing breaks my walls down.

I love me and I love you!