Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Is Image everything?

For the past few years i have been intrigued by the idea of shaving my head. I wanted to know what it physically felt like to be physically "naked". Carter woke one morning in April requesting that he wanted to get a mohawk hair cut that day! So after explaining all the to do about the non existence of hair he still wanted the mohawk and so he did get it. After the hair cut Carter said "I want my hair back". After some colored gel and talk he soon came to like his new red mohawk. A few days later I woke and decided I wanted to shave off my hair and metaphorically speaking all the negativity in my life too and see what it was like to be hair-free! 
I was a bit sadden to see that most of the reaction I received was the people asking or presuming I had cancer. Kids mostly just point and say "mom look that lady has no hair". I personally loved the freedom of waking up and not having to do my hair. Life has been easy and carefree. Blake on the other hand has not liked it. He shaves his hair (due to top balding) and he says it feels a little strange with both of us with shaved. 

I saw a show were a very beautiful thin actress dressed up in a suit designed to make her look bigger than her now self. She received different stares and attention then before. People walking away from her and avoiding her rather than towards her and drawn to her. Was it her in the suit and her energy of difference or just the suit and the images people put in their minds?

When I was little I remember thinking that if all people were blind we would be forced to see the true people inside, even ourselves. Our eyes can actually hinder our ability to see the beauty within ourselves and others. 

I love a new show on cable TV (not that I watch TV too often) called "How to look good Naked" I recommend watching it at least once. The host on the show helps women see themselves as the beautiful women they really are no matter what size, age or color, instead of the illusion they have in their head. They are confronted with the illusion and feelings behind their image and then go through a process by which to SEE the beauty within themselves. By the end of the show they are feeling better about their self image enough to have nude photos taken of them (very tastefully done I might add) and then placed out in the open for public opinion. I think because of their confidence and love of who they really are.

 Now I think "I was born with hair I have always had hair and then at 36 years 6 months nothing but skin." This process has been freeing, uncomfortable at times and uncertain and growing. Growing in a way of cleaning off the old and welcoming the new the NOW. I am observing the growth of my hair the textures, colors, and growth that change each day. I am calm and patient and at times i see the many strands of gray and think that must be this body and not me for I AM new colorful and FULL of LIFE! 

Image or not I AM on the inside,

I am finally back in the saddle

So the past few months I have been in a different phase. Without making this a 12 page blog I will give you the condensed version:
January: moved out of house into a 1980 GMC Midas C Class RV 
Marc, the dog and girlfriend Salina moved out.
February: in court:ex-husband wants Breeana (currently unschooling) in school
And NEW grandbaby is born YEA Jake.
March:New 5th Wheel YEA and Marc moves back in YEA! 
April: Court again and Breeana forced into school (judge does not like me cuz I'm not paying her campaign fund LOL), luckily its Montessori.
May: Moved from Boulder City to Las Vegas again Marc graduation from High School. 
Currently: all is well just as life goes. I miss the totally unschooling life with all 3 of my younger children and I am grateful that Bree is at least in a Montessori school and not in "Industrial Education called Public Schooling". I am standing by while my 17 yr old son is experiencing in bouts of unhappiness (called "depression" and "anxiety")and him wanting to take doctor prescib pills (something I have never believed in or given my children) and allowing it to be his choice. Blake and I are getting along better than we have in 4 years I feel we are on the up side of a really rocky battle and the dust is settling and we realize we are really better at being friends than enemies. I feel hopeful that even though I think I jumped the gun on living in a RV a little too soon I am here were I am. . .  living  . . . . breathing . .  . I AM. 
I miss my blogging I think it is the only time I can write and feel free to say what I want to say. Strange considering anyone can read these thoughts. And there are no secrets we are all connected all apart of one another I love me and I love you if you are reading thanks for the ear!
PS I am back on the blogging train and I am not getting off again (I feel hopeful about this statement)!