Tuesday, December 11, 2007

What's Up?

New Family photos oh how fun!

Ok I know I have not blogged for a very long time. I will spare you from all the 1001 reasons why I have not been blogging. So here it is midnight on Dec 11 and I am blogging. . . 

Anyone that knows me knows I just can not be cold yet here I live in Las Vegas freezing and cold. I have even been feeling a bit sad and depressed I NEED the sun. Unlike those of you out there loving the "change of seasons" I love warm wonderful sun and sunny rain. So I am also into seasons, avocado, persimmon, mango, etc season. My diet changes with season from Banana's and Oranges to Melons of any kind by the change in season. Now without heaters and layers of clothing and houses (shelter) many on you would not enjoy the season of snow, sleet, COLD. 

For some years I have felt very sad come Dec, Jan and Feb I came to a conclusion today that I might have to be in the tropics very soon (at least in winter) or I could soon go insane from sadness. I LOVE being in joy and I am such a fun person when I am in that joy way. I was thinking that I just need to practice being in joy even if I fake it that way I will still be in practice when I find the sun and joy again.

Living in the moment and reading "Dance of the Dissident daughter"
So I have felt very restless for a many a months now and it is only getting worse. I love being a gypsy and love moving around (RV here I come) and I have now been in Vegas 3 years and lived in this house for almost 2 years straight I am so ready to leave, explore, run, jump, and live on sunshine. Yet in my moment I know I still have a lease until end of Jan and my daughter is having a baby in March and wants my help for a bit after the baby is born. Just between you and I, I am feeling trapped and caged I really would like to leave today this moment and fly out into the sky like a bird released from a cage. No in this moment I am laying in bed wanting to be thankful for being here in the bed in the same house for almost 2 years and in Vegas for 3 years and remain in Vegas until May (can you hear the gratefulness). I feel I have grown so much in the past 2 years and now I feel I am gaining momentum and all the stuff is slowing my momentum down and damn it I love momentum. 
I am enjoying me and I am ready to move forward.  After being a mommy and totally devoted to my children and losing myself in the mommy who is "Darlene" role I am on to a new chapter in my life book. I like and love myself and finally giving myself permission to be me I am ready to explore my wants and desires. Finally get on the road and see the world through my eyes. Sandal up family cause you are with Darlene no longer the mommy and wife and housekeeper--the wild, fun, crazy, adventurous, hippy gypsy, joy seeking person that I just found after a many a years and I am ready to ride the wave with you all as your best friend. 
I know that a many women out there love the mom title and love being mom. Don't get me wrong I loved having my children and will always love the birthing and nursing and all that comes with the baby scene and I feel like when the mom title comes in as the kids start to grow and all that parenting stuff happens so does the vision of fun and self. I feel like I turn into a control person and yet when someone calls me by my name I am removed from those notions of control and "parenting" and I get to be the inspiring friend and confidant and I love those thoughts. 
I think my children choose me and me them so to experience joy and contrast through their eyes and live their lives. Control is a world I unconsciously allow myself to fall into once in a while, consciously I believe the people that came through my body are strong beings capable of all they need to live their lives and be. WOW I feel so great when I write those words. Victimless world full of strong being guiding themselves towards what thoughts they think. All capable of creating a life of their choice. I feel so fabulous when I think and feel this way, I think it must be right because I feel so close to my source. 

Well for now I think I have said enough here's to the sun and when we all will allow all to be.
I will be singing a manifesting song of "Here comes the sun" and How grateful I am to be a pendulum that swings through the trees full of sadness one moment and happiness the next.

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