Wednesday, September 5, 2007

What to do about the disciplined child? Its all good!

It is 4:36am in the morning and I have been woken up by teen children-doing something I am not so happy with (slamming doors, arguing loudly, getting phone calls, drugs and or drinking). I am not sure how to undo the doing of the controlling environment that Marc and Salina have been raised with and I am not sure it can be undone except to allow time to take its course. So I said to Marc that we needed to have a talk tomorrow. He said about what? I said "this is a family house and not a 3am party house." He reacted to the comment and stormed out of the house demanding I give him his child support and called me a "fucking bitch" and that he was going to "fuck up our cars". What in the hell did I ever do to deserve a treatment like that. I just called Blake which I never know is the right thing to do because he does not really believe the unschooling life style. 

Clearly he is NOT happy clearly he does not value himself or else how could you say those words to a mother that has been a good mother, maybe not great but good. I am not taking this personal just wanting to understand why he does not want to see the love within himself?  I know that Blake is going to talk to him and Blake is the only person Marc is half way listening to. I am surprised that Blake does not see the damage that discipline has done for Marc. Now I am not extending any excuses for the behavior that I clearly have a problem with because I am losing sleep from the constant noise and for that I may feel like an angry bear tomorrow. 

I want to love Marc and he just will not let me in. Basically I feel like he wants nothing to do with me. I believe love must start with the self and so I will just be here when he decides he wants his mothers love. I look back on the behavior of Danyell's 14 to 18 years and yes similar problems similar feelings of sadness seeing her still self hurting and destructiveness. I have to consciously remind myself to not feel so responsible for Danyell and Marc's emotional well being. I could blame a whole gamut of things, divorce, control, some public schooling, my past self destructive behavior, etc and it all comes down to I do not see them as victims. Victimization only dis-empowers a person and I know the contrast I have been immersed in, in the past and over time I continue to evolved and realized my self love and importance as the amazing being that I am and so will they. Danyell and Marc are strong and they are just unconsciously asking the universe for a lot of contrast in order to know what they want and don't want. 

Ultimately how I see the universe:
I see my children as the strong healthy happy beings of source they are and know that all is well. This is an everlasting, evolving universe that I so blissfully came into knowing that there would be contrast and so contrast I have. I know what it feels like to love and what it feels like to be in revenge and I know what feeling feels better (the love, of course). From a broader ever lasting perspective I can see the perfection in all moments in my life, knowing from a place within my centre being, that all is well and will continue to be well even when wellness looks like revenge at the very least it is a step up from powerlessness. I love this time, space, reality and I plan on coming back more expanded and do it all over again and again knowing that my soul purpose is to be in Bliss and getting there may look like frustration or anger and I know Bliss is my means to a never ending story. 


Caroline said...

I think that YOU desirve love, and consideration not just your children. YOU are just as important as they are and it is ok for them to know and understand that.

PeacefulGoddess said...

Oh at times its like falling on deaf years. Yet today Marc came up to me and apologized and Marc never does that. The more things look the same the more things do change it just does not always go as quickly and dramatically as I may always want. I am gaining a sense that life must progress slowly in order to keep order or something like that.
Thanks Caroline!

OrganicSister said...

Hang in there, I think you are doing the right thing by not only loving and respecting him but showing that you and the rest of the family deserve the same love and respect. he's going through his own process; sometimes as a teen you have to "deconstruct to reconstruct". have faith that he will.