Thursday, August 9, 2007

Not so Peaceful Rant

OK I am going to warn you that "where I am" now in this moment is not pretty, not peaceful and I am soooo in an emotion of RAGE, ANGER, REVENGE, HURT! Why-because . . .
1. I want a partner that supports me.
2. I want to be accepted by my partner and thought of as amazing (I think I am)
3. I want the friendship that we once had the fun and great times.
4. I want to be trusted, my children trusted
5. I want Blake to open up and read a little about unschooling, about the unschooling lifestyle because it is obvious after 2 F'ing years that I am just not doing or saying what he needs to understand.

Right this moment I think he is ruining my and my children's' unschooling experience and I know if he just read on book, a couple of blogs, or something for goddess sake he would get the whole picture and the light in that hard head of his would go on.

Instead "I am his problem" I am no longer his wife" direct Blake quotes.

What I am unwilling to do according to Blake: I will not "teach" Mitchel,7yrs to read and yet I have said he may if he chooses. Same thing different day, please someone hook up the video camera so that we can record the fight and I can walk away and he can have his moment.
He is scared that Mitchel with lose his brilliance.
He thinks we have to foster the intelligence by reading.

WHY WHY WHY cant he just look around and see Mitchel IS learning to read without me, him, the teacher, the neighbor, the dog, etc!

I see a very unhappy man wanting to stick his stuff on me and then it relieves him of his stuff and if Mitchel reads than one part of his life will be perfect, right?

I am tired of this and I am not sure how much I want to be with him any more and I am not the type to handle unwellness for very long and that is what I work on everyday. I want to stay for Mitch and Carter cause I am NOT involving the courts into my life again and so I will push through and stay for now but I wish I could go (how I feel in this moment).

How can a person like me (one who finally feels free and confident and loves herself and gaining a since of joy) go and "teach" anything to someone that is not open to wanting to be taught or mentored, he is not asking, Blake!
Can he not see Joy, Fun, Love, going on or does he see it and that pisses him off (he would never admit this).
I see unschooling wanting to come out of him but he is choosing to stay is misery and pain.

I am perfect and I feel so much better. I will focus on my wants and work on my emotions. I never made our conversation personal and I will keep my focus on the now and move on with my passion and joy. Allowing Blake to be where he is is such a challenge right now, cuz I just want to yell and hit him (besides me feeling better) I know it only gives him my power and I will not go there anymore. I am a grown up and grown ups do other things like . . . BLOG.

Done and
Thanks for baring with me,


OrganicSister said...

I'm sorry Darlene. If it's any consolation, I've been there (only my husband quitely brews instead of argues - don't know which is better, knowing how they feel or knowing they won't tell you!). This Too Shall Pass. Sometimes people have to travel on the wrong path longer until they find the right one; he'll get there. And in them meantime, tell him if he wants the boys to learn reading is fun, HE needs to start reading himself as an example - starting with unschooling books! Hang in there hun; this is just part of the journey.

Caroline said...

I know that Blake loves his family. It is only out of fear that he wants to force his boys to read. Fear is leading him, if only he could just make the leap to trust. But, just like no one will force Mich to read I don't think that anyone can make Blake see that you really have chosen the best path for your kids. I'm not sure how to help him get to the same plae that you have found. Maybe ask him what his worries are for the kids. And then you might be able to find some exaples of how grown unschooled adults have achieved that goal. It breaks my hear that you fight with him, because I know how much you don't want to fight.

Miranda said...

Cut and paste that link in and you'll get a little treat/nudge that I think might help right now. Love You!

Annette said...

Hugs D, I feel your frustration and understand. Why is it such a huge misconception that learning only (or mostly) occurs through reading? Conditioning. Argh! Maybe you could find some stories about famous people who didn't start reading until later. The famous author Agatha Christie didn't read until she was 9 and I've heard she was homeschooled too.
Cary has become very passionate about Life Learning - I never thought I'd see the day! But if he can come around, there's plenty of hope for Blake! Hang in there you trail blazing succulent wild woman! lots of love, A