As I lye here in bed reading The Secret Life of Bees all morning and afternoon I feel a sense of peace and serenity. I look over to Carter who is playing the Xbox 360 Lego Star Wars and I can hear in the distance Mitchel on the computer challenging himself to a game he is so intent on winning. I am taken back to my childhood and the contrast. It has only been in the past 2 years or so when reading has been such a joy for me as I was growing up Saturdays were cleaning and then maybe play time Sundays where church going days and filled with lots of going around and frustration between my parents so thick you could cut it with a knife. Monday through Friday was school and never did feel that I just had time to be.
I often think what my children will take from their experience in the time space reality when I play the role of mother just about 24 hours a day? Here I have 5 different people who choose to enter my life and me to have the pleasure to accommodate them in their journey and yet they have 5 different perspectives of what their experiences are. I am not sure what kind of mother they see through their beautiful eyes and I know I improve as life moves on and maybe that is all I can really do. I would like to think I allow them to be who they choose to be and take their journeys where they want them to go. As much as I know we naturally make distinctions between what suits us and what does not I know for sure that I will choose for myself what works for myself and not for others.
Time for what I see and experience means everything and nothing at the same time. Time in the sense of space and progress and not clock time. It is what I feel as if I could imagine a tree senses the seasons, they come and go and will come again. I have experienced many spaces of time and my memory fills me full of joy and if I am not present enough even sadness at times. At the same time I have gained a stronger realization of illusion a knowing that I have been on this earth many times and there will be many more times here is to experience joy and even times of powerlessness in order to see, really see the true humor of life not take this world so literal, so serious.
My mind drifts and I think,
In this moment Marc 17yrs is choosing a life I know nothing of. Dumbing his experience down with drugs to somewhere I do not know, for he has ran away. I have see in his eyes his illusion of torment and pain all self inflicted. He is perfect we are all perfect. I know this is now his journey where my role is one more of arms open wide full of love and to assure him all is well when he chooses. He tells me he sees himself as broken, lost and confused. I remain rooted in the earth full of peace and a knowing that all will be well for him and for all. From a distance even the storm is beautiful and perfect.
I remember more knowing experiences,
Years ago Carter was in a hospital with many babies in an ICUnit the doctors would not tell me he was going to exit this earth yet all I could see was fear in their eyes that he would not pull through. I started to feel so powerless to do anything and then my spiritually connected friend, Dixie, reminded me that all would be well. We all choose our life and death no matter how ugly it may seem or who will be sad, our best role as the mother was to be the supporter of their choices. I went over to Carter and I could feel his confession to leave or to stay. I dug deep into the part of my soul where knowing remains and whispered in his ear it is OK to rest let the doctors do what they do, I support your decision if you choose to leave I will miss you and I will understand. The next day hope entered the energy of the room and I know he had decided to stay.
I am grateful I am allowed to be here enjoying this Sunday no need for church or frustration. These wonderful beings these children that choose me to play their mother, are free to be on a journey all their own, and connected to me to all at the same time. I will remain knowing that this is a victimless universes all well. They are strong they are connected to all and to spirit all at the same time. I feel peace and strength. I had children to be educated about something I came in knowing and maybe forgot a bit of before they came, I wanted the reminder, the in site into a universes beyond sight deep into the soul.
Chapter 10 is waiting along with Mitchel and the computer.
Life is perfect
Life is Bliss!
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