Where have I been?

So I have been not blogging lately and not taking fun photos of our wonderful dayz. So what have I been doing???

*Crocheting- I want to make more and more and I might even want to sell some. I think this may be a not so cool thing to do anymore. I like the sense of self accomplishment I feel finishing my crocheting projects. Pic on the way soon, I promise.

*Zelda- Bree, Mitch, Carter, and I have been Zelda Twilight Princess playing. This is one game I can really get into or sucked into or funned into.  . . . In order to get the next process we simply look it up on cheats.com and there you have it the next step to the next step or process and on we go. Did I ever say how much I love the invention of the internet!!

*Being empty. I love being a mom and I love being an unschooling stay at home mom. I would love to be one of those moms that never needs a day away (afternoon) alone. Did I mention my husband is gone 90% of the time. I am pretty much a single mom and free spirit. These two sides of me clash at times and all I love to take care of myself with an afternoon with me, myself and I. I use to feel guilty for wanting time with me and up until Carter (my baby) was 4.5 years I rarely went to the store alone. I enjoy my children and the great thing is when I have taken care of me no one seems to fight and we are having fun most of the time. When I choose put off my time with me and run on empty I feel like I start to resent people (Blake and Kids) and yell A LOT. So the way I look at myself is I love feeling full of myself so I can share and do it lovingly and with lots of energy. No guilt here just love love love and knowledge cuz I know I can be a full time mom and spending time with me.

*Becoming debt free and working. Last month I gave up my last control in my family- the bills and check book. After 9.5 years together, Blake took over the bill paying and check book process his goal- debt free! I am currently choosing new patterns to think by when it comes to money. I want to spend and do today for NOW is what we have. At the same time I want to owe no one. I want to pay of things with cash only and so what to think???? Any suggestions will be considered. Anyways I thought that Blake would like to be in the driver seat of this bill/c book process since he is the one that brings in the dough. I love the way he just took over and I am seeing more of the empowered happy Blake since this whole process over a month ago. Now for the debt that I racked up I thought I would take a job for a friend working one 9 hour day a week for $50. I have done it 2 times and I so over it. Not that I dont love being with my friend I just feel that I am #1 worth more then $5.5 hour #2 have to constantly tell my children to leave me alone "I'm working" (I hate this part the most) #3 I am starting to feel sick about going to work because I promised myself 8 years ago when I quite my last job that I was worth more and the only work I would do would be for myself and after my children where raised. So I will just figure out other ways to help cut costs cause I dont think that a mom working is fair to my family. I love and want to support Blake in becoming debt free so I will find a way to do something I love, with my children in their happiness and all will be well.

*Looking at 5th Wheel Trailers and making plans. We will be living out of a trailer or RV in Feb 2008 yea a dream come true. I will up date as things go on.

*Started a 90 day work out system to get a total muscular body. OOOCH it is very painful right now but I feel those endorphins working!

That plus breathing, living in a nut shell!

Power For One and Power For ALL!

I know that being a parent has given me the most contrast of both Joy, Powerlessness and every emotion in between. As a young child I did not want to be a mother. During my contrasting teen years I thought of the idea of becoming a mother and a month later law of attraction came in the form of a positive pregnancy stick. I was not a young minded 16 year old girl I was a mature 16 year old who grew up faster than my mom and dad cared for. I had already spend over a year out on my own and had ideas that a baby would feel a void in me of loneliness. Being a parent was going to be easy because I would be a different parent than that of my parents. I would be the cool mother and my child/ren and I would be best friends. I am here to confess my parenting life has been a roller coaster ride and from one minute to the next I want to keep standing in line to go again and get off the minute it feels like I am going to fall-fail. 

It has been quite an adventure through the past 19 years and 5 children later. I feel such appreciation for all the ways I have grown and expanded through the assistance of these 5 people who choose me as their mother.  I did start off with all great intentions and yet somehow I took hold of those oars and started to show my 2 older children just how to be unhappy and row up stream hard and long with lots of force and control. As each child entered my life, the contrast expanded. Each of these beings came complete with their own unique personality and more and more I was being challenged to look at myself in the mediafor mirror. As they grew I could see and hear them saying things I did not like and I knew they had picked up those attitudes, words or behaviors from the example I was setting.

I began to feel guilty and tried to over compensate by being a permissive parent and do everything for them. I felt that I needed to save them from this damage I thought I had done to them. They became more resentful and seemed angry towards me. I started to resent myself, them and became depressed. Even my husband and I were arguing more and more because he could see what I refused to see. My children were not respecting me, they wanted to make their choices and be allowed their power. At the same time my husband and all my wonderful friends wanted me to allow myself to have wants, needs and time for me. 

How different ones perspective can be from another's. From where I am now I can look back on this growing process and see the broader perspective. When I continued to stay in a lower emotional place of guilt I could not give myself the permission to stand back and take a broader perspective of allowing. Allowing others to own their power, make their choices of contrast, good and not so good, feels so comforting to me now. I also get to allow myself to express my needs and fulfill my desires. Being a parent is perfect and by growing and learning from the contrast I have asked for I can adapt and change in the direction that is best for all including myself. 

By creating a co-parenting relationship with my husband, children and myself we can all get what we need and want. Currently I am practicing the art of allowing others to have the contrast that they ask for and at the same time grow towards living in a harmonious environment in which we all can live happily together. Now I feel confident kindly expressing my wants and needs or that of the whole family when I feel something is out of balance in our home. I even take myself on a date when I feel my cup is empty. When my self love cup is full I can give freely and lovingly to others.  

I have heard and read for years that your children don't listen as much as they watch. They mirror our examples of how we treat ourselves and others. Viewing others from a place of helpless or victims only creates a world of powerlessness. People are powerful, my children are powerful and I am powerful. 

Someone I love very much told me of the story of the BUTTERFLY . (please excuse the improv)

One beautiful summers day I came across a butterfly still inside its cocoon. As I took a closer look I could see that it was working to escape from its blanket it had been so snuggled within its change. As I sat there and watched I started to view the process as a struggle and so began to feel empathy for the butterfly. I thought that I should "help" the butterfly in someway to prevent this struggle I thought I could see. I felt this anxious pain inside to protect and care for it. I searched for the tools I needed to release the butterfly and began this delicate process. 

Slowly I cut the cocoon ever so delicately as not to mess with the helpless creature inside. At first I felt a since of pride as I watched as the butterfly emerged from its cocoon to stand and spread its wings. Then as I stood back I could see the butterfly was struggling more than before. It was having a hard time standing on its own or fluttering its wings in order to take off and fly.  After quite some time it was finally able to maneuver enough to fly but only for a moment until in crashed into the ground. Within moments a swift wind came and carried the now dead butterfly away. 

Please understand I did not realize that the butterfly did not view his "struggle" as a struggle at all but a fun challenge. The challenge that frees the butterfly strengths the butterfly and release the extra liquid and nutrients needed to fly from flower to flower, lay eggs and live out its life. The butterfly is strong and knows what it needs to go from a pupa to a caterpillar and on to a beautiful butterfly. 

There is an illusion of struggle and an illusion of joyous expansion and growth as a being. I choose to see the perfection it all!

8 Fact Things about Meme

http://heartschooling.blogspot.com/2007/09/8-things-about-meme.html
Oh, I've been tagged for a Meme by Tara at http://heartschooling.blogspot.com/2007/09/8-things-about-meme.html. Not that anyone does not know just about my whole life story already. I am an open book.

The Rules:

~ Post these rules before you give your facts
~ List 8 random facts about yourself
~ At the end of your post, choose (tag) 8 people and list their names, linking to them
~ Leave a comment on their blog, letting them know they've been tagged (Tara has tagged all our my blog buddies mostly already so here's my 8.


8 Fun Facts of Darlene-Dharmez

1. I have never like my name because it is other peoples name (Darlene, my aunts and Kae, my other aunt) I know a name is really not as big as I make it but I am original and so should my name be so for at least the piss-my-mom-off factor I am changing it to Dharmez (Source-center-within). I made up my name and so the FACT is Dharmez is original to match me.

2. I Love to be naked and even though I don't get to too often (it bothers my 16yr son and girl friend) I wear the least amount of clothes possible which includes no under ware (bras and undies) and bare feet or flip flops or sandals that allow my feet to breath.  FACT is I love to feel the air on my free body!

3. I am a Gypsy and love it. Even before I can tell you I know I was a traveling gypsy and want to live around the world seeing all this planet has to offer. I will be living in an RV/travel trailer as of Feb 1, 2008 and can hardly keep my excitement contained. These gypsy bare feet will get to finally start to travel and that's my FACT.

4. I believe that all women have it in them to birth their children by themselves, self EMPOWERMENT. I did I have email and spoken to a many women who have had their babies either with only their lover or by themselves and we all believe it was one of the best things we could ever do and what power you get to display. It is a FACT that I know that anything I put my mind to I can and will do, there's a will there's a way!

5. FACT I believe that the 3 best theories in life are Law of Attraction, Unschooling and Parent Effectiveness Training and the amazing thought is that all three of these work together to create my perfect life. I love my life more and more and love being a parent more and more since I have truly incorporated an Unschooling life style, PET trainings (not that I am always perfect about it) and taken a more conscious effort in deciding my Law of Attraction. I know that the time space reality that I live in is perfectly wonderful with lots of contrast.

6. I want to be a publish author and a reality show host with stories or people living Bliss and following their passion.  Hopefully an inspiring show to motivate others to follow Joy. FACT  Soon you can look for me on the number 1 book sellers list and cable TV (maybe a new channel "fun and feel good" channel!

7. FACT is I just picked up crocheting after only learning it at the age of 9 (I am now 35yrs) and at that time I had only crocheted a simple heating pad. I love to crochet and want to do it very often. I have made: 3 bags (out of recycled grocery bags), started on a third bag over the past 2 months, and just last week I made 2 ponchos. I think I am pretty good at it, I just bought enough yarn to make blankets for all my children for the holidays. I keep thinking why do I love to crochet? The only thing I can come up with is, I have to be doing something and I can talk or watch TV, take it anywhere and crochet and that feels me up.

8. The FACT that I believe that we are Eternal Being and when we croak (die) we just get to (if we want) come back and experience this time space reality again as a more expanded being gives me peace. I know that my only "job" is to experience BLISS and all the contrast I experience along the way is to help me decide what I want from what I don't want. 

I am tagging the following blogs: 

http://goddessearthmother.blogspot.com/

http://freespiritlife.blogspot.com/

Lots fun and enjoy you!

I'm a Drop Out and that Feels so Good!

I wrote earlier about my writers block and now at 5:30 am I can not stop my brain from thinking and here I am writing. The key is no sleep? Oh well here I am at this moment and all is perfect so I am writing away. . . . 

In my sleeplessness I fancied over to another unschooling mother blog (http://raisingrevolution.wordpress.com) and she gave me some more inspiration and insight about myself. Throughout most of my PS (public school) years I spent as much time as possible at home missing as many days as possible. I thought school to be boring, uninteresting and pointless. So by the time I reached 7 grade and went from one classroom to 7 I was pretty much done with school and only went for the social aspect of my hobby at the time BOYS. I did love all the before school and after school stuff like smoking cigarettes, marijuana, drinking, having really bad sex (I wish they would teach how to be a great sexual partner  in some school LOL) etc. It was definitely a great learning and social environment that I continued until the age the 16 when I realized that with the new freedom and combination of job, driver licence and car I no longer needed PS. So I became like many of the great thinkers of our time a PS drop out and with a newly found sense of self awareness and trust that I have come to Cherish. 

Now many of what I like to call the unstreamer's (people who live life paddling up stream against the current) may view not getting the complete disciplined education that PS has to offer is totally outrageously insane but I like to say that I broke free of the chains of PS and allowed myself to think beyond the cement box. 

So now I lay here in bed as the sun peeps over the mountains with a new fond memory of a very young me telling my mom I am going to be so great I will change the world! Such an amazing and insightful child who was not appreciated by those around me at the time. Oh well there's that contrast again and NOW I have friends that so do appreciate me and love me for all the creative thinking and views I bring into their world. I love me and I know I have already changed the world we all do just our presence changes the pattern and turn in space and expands the universe beyond our conscious comprehension. I have hopes and dreams that I continue to change and evolve with time and gain more of a complete knowing that everything I want is given. I did drop out of an environment that I never felt served or interested me. I allowed me to be true to myself and what I felt inside of me that knowing that no one can touch or out do. A source we all have within self and a source that will guide us always. Listen within a you can always stay true to yourself and follow yours feel good feelings. If it feels good then it is right for you. 

What to do about the disciplined child? Its all good!

It is 4:36am in the morning and I have been woken up by teen children-doing something I am not so happy with (slamming doors, arguing loudly, getting phone calls, drugs and or drinking). I am not sure how to undo the doing of the controlling environment that Marc and Salina have been raised with and I am not sure it can be undone except to allow time to take its course. So I said to Marc that we needed to have a talk tomorrow. He said about what? I said "this is a family house and not a 3am party house." He reacted to the comment and stormed out of the house demanding I give him his child support and called me a "fucking bitch" and that he was going to "fuck up our cars". What in the hell did I ever do to deserve a treatment like that. I just called Blake which I never know is the right thing to do because he does not really believe the unschooling life style. 

Clearly he is NOT happy clearly he does not value himself or else how could you say those words to a mother that has been a good mother, maybe not great but good. I am not taking this personal just wanting to understand why he does not want to see the love within himself?  I know that Blake is going to talk to him and Blake is the only person Marc is half way listening to. I am surprised that Blake does not see the damage that discipline has done for Marc. Now I am not extending any excuses for the behavior that I clearly have a problem with because I am losing sleep from the constant noise and for that I may feel like an angry bear tomorrow. 

I want to love Marc and he just will not let me in. Basically I feel like he wants nothing to do with me. I believe love must start with the self and so I will just be here when he decides he wants his mothers love. I look back on the behavior of Danyell's 14 to 18 years and yes similar problems similar feelings of sadness seeing her still self hurting and destructiveness. I have to consciously remind myself to not feel so responsible for Danyell and Marc's emotional well being. I could blame a whole gamut of things, divorce, control, some public schooling, my past self destructive behavior, etc and it all comes down to I do not see them as victims. Victimization only dis-empowers a person and I know the contrast I have been immersed in, in the past and over time I continue to evolved and realized my self love and importance as the amazing being that I am and so will they. Danyell and Marc are strong and they are just unconsciously asking the universe for a lot of contrast in order to know what they want and don't want. 

Ultimately how I see the universe:

I see my children as the strong healthy happy beings of source they are and know that all is well. This is an everlasting, evolving universe that I so blissfully came into knowing that there would be contrast and so contrast I have. I know what it feels like to love and what it feels like to be in revenge and I know what feeling feels better (the love, of course). From a broader ever lasting perspective I can see the perfection in all moments in my life, knowing from a place within my centre being, that all is well and will continue to be well even when wellness looks like revenge at the very least it is a step up from powerlessness. I love this time, space, reality and I plan on coming back more expanded and do it all over again and again knowing that my soul purpose is to be in Bliss and getting there may look like frustration or anger and I know Bliss is my means to a never ending story. 

Perception is Everything

Yesterday Blake and I were having this loud discussion about what discipline does or does not do for a person (mainly regarding our 16year old son Marc-current discussion conversation of the past 2 years). This is a repeated line of his "I don't think that a little discipline hurts a kid once in a while!" So without ripping off his head (what I usually envision in times such as these) I decided to look at this discussion from another perspective and walk around it a bit and pick it apart. I started by looking up the word discipline and thank goddess to dictionary.com I was given 12 definitions of the word discipline:

1. training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.
2. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.
3. punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.
4. the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.: the harsh discipline of poverty.
5. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.
6. a set or system of rules and regulations.
7. Ecclesiastical. the system of government regulating the practice of a church as distinguished from its doctrine.
8. an instrument of punishment, esp. a whip or scourge, used in the practice of self-mortification or as an instrument of chastisement in certain religious communities.
9. a branch of instruction or learning: the disciplines of history and economics.
–verb (used with object)
10. to train by instruction and exercise; drill.
11. to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.
12. to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.

How do you feel after reading those enlightening LOL definitions of discipline?? I feel sick to my stomach and question how can any of that be good for anyone or anything?? I just started thinking of the irony or rather craziness of the discussion of that whole discipline subject. I am thinking to myself why would any parent want their child to be obedient, controlled, trained, whipped, or punishment? Oh I know why so that one can force someone to be the way they want them to be so to not inter-fear with their world. OK so I can see that to a point however what happens when one wants their child to start thinking for him/herself you know grow up, move out move on? Get a JOB (just over broke) or military style? 

Most of the money and bliss in the world comes from individuals who start their own business, think for them selves, be who they choose to be. Many are drop outs or those who got in trouble and never fit in the system. 

As long as a child continues the obedience life is fab right??? Now lets look back and ask oneself if control, drills, punishment, trained, whipped, grounded etc is what they liked when they were young or would they like it now in their adult life? Maybe some may say yes, my husband says he was not hurt by the things he went through as a youngster, is he and maybe many like him are just brain washed into thinking that a whippin' once in a while never hurts anyone. I personally think those people are in denial. 

I have a different point of perception and I did think that the belittling, spanking, punishment, and grounding that I received at home not to mention the fear based training in public school I received was harmful to my being and spirit. There are even moments when I fall back and become controlling to one of my children and I always let them know that I am still reprogramming my ways of parenting since my example was not something I would choose for them. We work it out and I take a step into conscious parenting even more. 

With Blake and I not in alignment with our parenting perceptions I feel like part of me wants to laugh because I think that discipline parenting programing is ridiculous and the other part of me feels empathy for his belief in that disciplining through force and all the other stuff that comes that way is OK. Oh well at least I can stay out of his fear and remain in alignment with my desires of a positive relationship with my children. 

I know that what my children behave in ways that at times does not always look great from my point of view I just take those moments to remember that I am not in their head, from their prospective and start to look around the issue as if it were a picture and Live, Laugh and Love by allowing us all to live in peace.  

Book writing questions and thoughts????

I have been working on my first non-fiction book over the past 4 days. My idea is that I could have a ruff draft by Sept 30, 2007 and I am still shooting for that date. I currently face myself with the question of what the books subject is. I believe that I am a fruit-looping, interesting, adventurous person that has done so much in her 35 years of life that I have so much to inspire and share with the world. I have lived a very different life from the main upstream lifers and I want to tell an amazing story filled with inspiring information to contribute to the mass. So my idea's are: #1 Self-taking time for self gaining self, not losing self,self etc, #2 Attachment Parenting or "flow down stream" parenting-unassisted birthing, child lead weaning, co-sleeping, unschooling, etc., #3 goddess-women stuff (which would probably tie in with self and all that has to offer, #4 using inspiring quotes to be the subject and going from there. Does any of this make any sense or is most of it just a picture in my head and I need to gain some more skills to get it onto paper (computer)???

So far my ideas of titles "21st Century Hip-me or hippy or hippee or flower child" "Down Stream Parenting" "Life to Live With" "Everything has Perfect Perception" "Life, Liberty and Blissfulness=Pursuing your dreams" oooh what the heck I have a whole book series in my head one minute only for it to exit when I sit down to write. I need to get it out onto paper. Have any advise?? My friend Victoria (who has written 6 books) told me to ask questions and then answer them and the answers turn into a chapter. Ok ask and it is given, right?? 

Should this not just flow out of me if it is something I really want to do? Maybe it is just the first book that's the most challenging.?. 

Unconditionality VS Desires

Below is some information I found so powerful. I love it when we can empower ourselves and live to our highest potential and power.

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Unconditionality vs. Desires ::

Q: How do you reconcile "unconditionality" with
having preferences and desires? If you're totally
unconditional, shouldn't everything be fine the
way it is?

A: Unconditionality doesn't mean having no
preferences or desires; it means that you don't let
the temporary absence of your preferred conditions
prevent you from enjoying the present moment...

"When conditions are to my liking, I feel
great! (Obviously.) And when conditions are
not to my liking, I enjoy anticipating the
unfolding of my preferred conditions."

The idea that you can't enjoy this moment because
of unwanted conditions is a LIE perpetuated by our
conditional culture -- a lie that serves no purpose
other than to keep people feeling powerless!

Unconditionality says, "Enjoying the here and now
is my top priority, so I'm not going to use these
conditions as an excuse to separate from my natural
state of Well-Being."

So when your child "misbehaves," or your partner is
unsupportive, or you're sleep-deprived, etc., use
those unwanted conditions to help you clarify what
you *do* want. Then practice unconditionality by
accepting the present conditions AND joyfully
anticipating the fulfillment of your desires.

Life Lessons and Dreams

San Diego, Ca Pier off Shelter Island

Over the past week or so I have not been on to blog, one of my favorite past times, other things happening. So I am back and here is an up date of all I have been up to:

Last week end I spent my time at a "dream seminar" called Life Mastery. Crazy if you think of it, I was told in my public education years to "stop dreaming" only to spend money to be able to start dreaming or at least to act on them. Well it was fabulous! I love to dream, I am a dreamer I just have not been acting on my dreams. You know mothering with all of me for the past 19 years. I think because we are trained as action beings, by society, we think that writing dreams down is a must. I don't think it is necessary but I did have fun doing it and creating more vivid dreams in the writing process. My impression is that when I write down my dreams I allow myself to let go of any worry or of thinking of them all the time. One of my favorite dreams is to be a writer, public speaker, reality show host, which is all apart of each other. Now I have a plan of action of when and a how I can accomplish those goals. So soon to be in a book store near you.

A second dream I have is to travel around the US (and Europe) in an RV or trailer/truck. I want to see the world around me from a different view point. So another thing I have been doing is spending hours reading about others that are unschooling RVers and looking for the perfect RV to fit our family. Lots and lots of time on looking. Blake is not sold on the idea 100% so I have to collect the information for the both of us to make a conscious decision. 

Writing, Dreaming, RV looking, Dreaming and very little sleep in between. I am so glad I unschool or else how would I ever find the time for my dreams while the kids are creating theirs. Well what a life I have I love creating and allowing.